Spotting an FDRtard

Why does every road seem to have its own variety of fu$ktards!

Most mornings I travel to work on the FDR drive, a road up the East side of Manhattan Island. It’s a fast road with a lots of exists, some on the left and some on the right. But it seems the FDRtard likes to always travel up the exit lanes and at the last second pull back onto the main road. This has the obvious effect of causing an array of stupid accidents, and causing no end of bottlenecks that could so easily be avoided.

These same FDRtards then get annoyed when they perceive anyone else trying to do the same thing, and so try and block exit lanes to stop others from getting ahead of them. Of course if you happen to want to exit, using the exit lane becomes very dangerous as an FDRtard in a SUV is quite likely to jump back into the exit lane to stop your progress, just in case you were also an FDRtard and were only using the lane to skip back into the main lane at the last second.

Now Along with the FDRtard, there are also the Hutchtards and the freewaytards, who do similar things to your basic FDRtard but add other levels of stupidity.

The hutchtards also create new lanes by driving up the hard shoulder and across painted junctions to avoid and create all new types of traffic jams.

While the freewaytards do all of the above but also like to drive at high speed for short distances and then break very hard skidding and swapping lanes without indicating.

I suspect if the police were to stop every rushhour cartard the national debt could easily be paid off with bad driving fines in a couple of weeks.

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Inappropriately analogistic speaking makes me angry

For a while in the 80’s is was slightly humorous when a blonde valley girl on a TV show would incorrectly use the word “like” in a sentence. But the joke did wear of quite quickly.

Today it seems that virtually everyone talks purely in analogies, and it is wrong!

Incorrectly using the English language in such gratuitous ways should be an instant firing situation for any writer or presenter. Anyone in business that uses the word incorrectly is showing his or her level of ignorance.

The next time you hear someone say “I was like so happy” or “It was like so raining” please recognize his or her ignorance in anyway you feel is appropriate (personally I prefer insulting them or even the throwing of rotten fruit, I would like to insult then like a Victorian would have)

And Facebook has to answer for the crime of the “like” button. While they have not fallen into the analogy pit, they have created a monster that is being used in very ridiculous ways.

bad analogy

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The amazing attraction of the “watch”

There was a time not so long ago when people in their teens would not be seen dead wearing a watch. Watch-less-ness seemed to go along with inverted baseball caps and trousers that hung around the knees.

A watch is one of the only pieces of jewelry that is acceptable for a man to wear. It has a practical function. That and maybe a single subtle ring on a single finger (as it’s part of the marriage contract), and possibly cuff links (because the shirt has holes in the cuff and needs it).

Studs, earrings, chains and wristbands are not the accouterments of real men, it’s that simple.

prince

Real men do not adorn their skin with ink or color their hair.

They don’t wear makeup or require “creams” of any description.

And getting your nails done, should mean going to the hardware store to get your nail gun fixed because it broke.

Now I’m sure there are some people who may disagree with me, but these people are not “real” men.

Now I know lots of men do have tattoos, or wear lots of jewelry, and I’m not saying they are in some way inferior to real men, just they are making a fashion statement, and as we all know real men have no idea about fashion statements.

I’m just saying….

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Illegal or Just “Frowned Upon” ?

I was re-watching the highest-grossing R-rated comedy ever this week and after thinking about it, I got a bit angry about legality, polite convention and political correctness.

A few thoughts/questions to ponder came to mind:

-Is it illegal (or just frowned upon) to use your neighbor’s cable and wi-fi if it’s readily accessible in your apartment?

-Is it illegal (or just frowned upon) to quietly detach (and keep) a $20 bill stuck to a vision-impaired adult’s shoe?

-Is it illegal (or just frowned upon) to reverse your college floormate’s peephole and organize “Cinéma Vérité” viewing parties in the hall when his girlfriend visits during the day?

-Is it illegal (or just frowned upon) to loudly pass gas while immediately adjacent to law enforcement?

Clearly these are all “6 to one, half a dozen to the other” scenarios, right?  Of course.

Why am I angry?  Because in “The Hangover” they all automatically dismissed and persecuted Alan for expressing his perfectly valid thoughts on whether card counting (and masterbating on airplanes for that matter), are illegal or just “frowned upon.”

It’s incredibly unjust for today’s “nanny state” citizens to force their radically “polite” views on others!

Judge not, lest ye be judged!

Lippman: It’s come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct? George:Was that wrong?

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Who Writes the Epitaph?

Consider Gore, Al.  For a guy who was never president, he’s incredibly well known for a great many things.  Which one will rise to the top and be his final 1-line epitaph?  Some possibilities include:

– 1/2 of the fiery young Clinton-Gore presidential team for 8 years who drove the “Reinventing Government” initiative to cut waste and red tape in Washington, DC

– Inventing the Internet (and making us capitalize “Internet”)

– “Inventing” the Global Warming issue (or the GW myth if you’re skeptical), and winning the Nobel Prize for it

– Losing his home state of Tenessee (with 11 Electoral votes) in a presidential election he lost by 5 Electoral votes

Candidate Gore’s famous on-stage kiss

– The icky, creepy on-stage, on-air erotic kisser of Tipper “Parental Advisory record labels” Gore

– Hanging chads and the most controversial election result in generations

– Co-founder of “Current TV” network (with Joel Hyatt)

…Or will Mr. Gore just be best remembered for being a hilarious “head-in-a-jar” (a preachy, boring one at that) on the animated TV show Futurama?

So, will Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. best be remembered for something “positive” or something “negative?”

There’s a saying from an Australian philanthropist, lifesaver and pubbuilder known as Sheepshagger John which may help you predict the answer, “You know, a man can do a thousand great things, but if you “shag” one lousy sheep…”– (5) (7)

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Why Do We Expect a Scorpion Not to Sting?

Why do we expect the NFL to care about player safety and the integrity of the game when we know all they really care about is money?

Why do we expect a new CMO to only fix what’s broken when we know they’re 100% predisposed to do a flashy branding/rebranding exercise?

Why do we forget “The Frog and Scorpion” Tale?

Why do we expect politicians to do what’s best for their constituents when we know they’ll always do what’s best for themselves?

Why do we expect our favorite team to replace a fired coach with the best candidate when we know they’ll hire the “safest” option who is the most opposite of the last guy?

Why do we expect universities to use that billion dollar+ endowment to keep/make college affordable when we know they’ll use it all to grow bigger? {And why do we keep donating money to that university when we know the above is true?}

Why do we believe TV networks will obey the “commercials will never be louder than the program” regulations?

Why do we expect business leaders to really lead with the long term in mind when we know they’ll mortgage the future to make the number this quarter?

Why do we expect that this particular scorpion won’t sting that innocent, unlucky “target”?

Is it the hope that better things are just ahead?  Drinking-related memory issues perhaps?  Insanity?  Cockeyed optimism?  Well, why do we check the coin slot to see if a quarter is in there?…  Because sometimes there is a quarter in there and last time, I found a Sacajawea dollar coin.  That’s why-

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Why 3D just isn’t good enough

Eyes are amazing devices. When you look around your eyes focus on what you are staring at directly, and everything else you see becomes softer in focus. But as soon as you move your focus the new thing you are looking directly at comes into focus.

Continually your eyes are moving changing the place you are focusing on. Everything in your field of vision is available to focus on.

But when you go to see a 3D movie. The director (through the lens of cameras) has chosen what you should focus on, keeping everything else in soft focus. This is okay for a flat image, because it shows you where to look on the screen. We have become used to it (to some extent) and see it as artful direction.

But when we go to see a huge screen (such as an IMAX movie) in three dimensions, this just does not work.

When you are looking at a massive screen in 3D and only a small proportion of it is in focus, it is just annoying. The issue is that for a 3D movie to be totally immersive, you need to be able to see everything in sharp focus, not just the center of the director’s intent.

When you are watching a forest in a movie (such as Avatar) you want to see all the vines in sharp focus. This gives you the impression of being totally immersed in the movie. But the director chooses to keep just the section when the camera is focused in sharp focus and the rest in soft focus. This just ruins 3D.

Now when a scene is computer generated (CGI) there is no reason to create a depth of field. And when they choose to keep everything in focus, it works so much better. All of a sudden you are totally immersed in a 3D world. That’s how 3D should be!

The only 3D movies worth seeing on a big screen are computer generated. Cameras with lenses need to be focused on a specific spot. That technology just doesn’t do it for 3D.

As filmmakers learn to shake of the shackles of 20th century movie making and adopt a pure system for 3D making, the genre will have a future. If they continue to hold onto depth of field photography along with low frame rates to add creative blur to movies then the life of the cinema may be coming to an end.

If when you go to the movies to watch a 3D movie, and you find the effect makes you a little queasy then that is because of the low frame rate, and forced soft focus. If the whole image is created using CGI and is at a faster frame rate, you would feel you were part of a 3D world on screen, and not on a rollercoaster of blur and enforced head shaking movement.

I suspect the move to create move immersive 3D movies has a couple of groups fighting against it.

Firstly there will be those who are firmly convinced that “traditional” rules are film making must be enforced, in the same way that those who though movies were better without sound fought for their art (and the jury is still out on that one of course).

And secondly if a movie is made to be an immersive 3D experience (as I’ve described) the costs of production would be much higher and the resulting film wouldn’t look as good without a massive 3D screen, reducing the revenue possibilities from smaller theaters and home viewing.

So the chance of seeing really great 3D is limited my tradition and greed.

Two huge factors which are (if history is any guide) likely to win.

Here’s hoping for fully immersive 3D
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How the hell do I know if I want pepper?

Ok so here’s the thing that annoys me today. You go to a restaurant and order your favorite pasta dish. It arrives and in the waiters other hand is a pepper mill, and you know the question is about to be asked. “Would Sir like pepper on that?”.

Would Sir like Pepper?

But here’s the issue, every time I feel like saying, “Ask the Chef, does he think this needs pepper? And if so why didn’t he add pepper to it in the kitchen? And if it’s just a personal choice, why not give me a minute to TRY the food and see if I want some pepper, rather than you hovering over me and asking me to make a random choice that will either ruin my food or potentially make it better”

I know I can’t say this of course at it will have three immediate effects. Firstly it will annoy the people I’m at dinner with. Secondly it will cause the waiter to roll his eyes and provide no other useful input. And of course thirdly it will guarantee that my wine or desert will then include either a pubic hair or a reasonable quantity of the staffs’ sputum.

What would be the issue with just placing a pepper mill on the table? Is there some form of bistro union rule that says grinding your own pepper mill is crossing the demarcation line, and it would require a “tools down” strike?

Or maybe this is “special” pepper that is of such purity that the cost is a significant part of the restaurants running costs, and so the quantity must be stringently managed by a pepper mill professional.

Or maybe just maybe there is no reason except it’s been taught from generation to generation of waiters, just to annoy generation after generation of restaurant patrons.

It’s a question I ask myself every time I see that wooden tube of unground piper nigrum moving in my tables direction.

Lets not even start to talk about the parmesan cheese.


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Attention booksellers – stop sticking fantasy in the same category as science fiction.

Look there are many categories of fiction, from the romantic pulp novel to the massive historically accurate war novels, and in between there are thrillers, horrors, who-done-its, humor, literary masterpieces, classics, and many other so called genres. But for some annoying reason two categories (that I rather like) get mixed together, those of science fiction and fantasy.

These are clearly very different, but in the minds of some librarian they are one and the same. That librarian is wrong!

Fantasy novels are normally based on the ideas of some supernatural phenomena, either some form of magic or one or more wild races of non-existent strangeness (orcs, ogres, dwarves, ancient gods etc).

While science fiction considers the possibilities of things yet to be developed by science, such as time travel, travel to distant worlds (or aliens from distant worlds coming to us), or any number of different futuristic technical inventions.

These are two very different genres. Sure they both take imagination, but they deserve their own shelves in bookstores and their own category online.

Imagine if that librarian were to combine romance and war as one category. I mean lets face it the only difference is that one is read by women and the other mainly by men. So the category could be “emotional reading”.

Or how about a category called “tedious reading”, that would include the Bronte sisters and Mikael Blomkvist, they both share the ability to spend much too long writing about irrelevant detail.

So lets just agree that Science Fiction is a unique category and Fantasy is another unique category, and (almost) never the twain shall meet.

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Please stop shouting “get in the Hole”!

When did it become acceptable for the average American golf competition to be littered with the phrase “get in the hole”?

I say average American, because (so far) this virus doesn’t seem to have been transmitted globally, just seems to have infected American golf fans.

Imagine you’re the player, you’re teeing off on a par 5, you go to make your downswing, and some numpty shouts “gert inthehole” just as you make contact. Your first thought is probably full of expletives, but when you calm down you then think to yourself “how stupid can they be, to think that’s a reasonable thing to say”, and secondly, “come on, think of something original to say”.

Obviously every golfer, and golf fan wants the ball to reach the hole, but don’t people realize that shouting it out at every whack of the ball, doesn’t really add anything to the game.

It’s inane, annoying and speaks to a very simple mind.

I suspect this golfing shout is being propagated by the same people that clap when a famous performer first comes on the stage, or when a ballerina doesn’t fall over when doing a pirouette. Or when the cannon goes off in the 1812, or when a plane lands without killing anyone (actually, I’ve not sure if this is there criteria, as I’ve never been on a plane with a fatality on landing).

It’s either the same people or there is a lot of stupidity in the world (both options seem viable)

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