The incident of the mountains of unidentified poo

One of the most antisocial things a dog owner can do it not clean up after their dogs. I have a small dog, and when we go for a walk he very clearly lets me know when he’s about to have a crap. He spends a good 30 seconds walking around in circles in the same spot. Giving me time to rip a small plastic bag of the role, and assume the picking up the poop position. It’s not hard, and it ensures a pleasant environment for all.

There has been the odd occasion where I’ve left the house without a bag, and had to get creative at finding a way to extricate the brown stuff from the pavement. But having a little of the Mcguyvers on my DNA I’ve never been thwarted.

So when I see other dog owners letting their canines let go with the brown flow and then walking off without a second look, I get angry. Now I should say this anger has always just been internal, as I’ve only once brought up the situation to the owner.

Just say NO

My confrontation was actually a few years ago, when I used to live in a nice little house in Ascot in England. When I first purchased the house, the previous owner had had an issue with some dog making an absolutely massive dump on the edge of the grass along the side of the house. This particular defecation was of such extreme proportions as to have the neighborhood questioning if we have a cross between a yeti and a horse being walked. And the real mystery was that the artifact in question was so infrequent and no one had ever seen the act take place.

The woman who owned the house before me had gone to absolutely extreme lengths to fix the situation but to no avail. She had installed electronic dog disruptors, used pepper dust and even placed broken crockery on the target area, all to no avail. The local council had gone as far as staking out the road to identify the offender, but still nothing.

When I moved it and spoke to the neighbors, I heard all these stories, but just assumed they were the local version of the Nessie myth.

Then it happened I came home one evening to find a mountain of dog dung on my grass verge. And I then felt the utter frustration of not knowing who or what had caused it. And this was repeated once every couple of months.

Then I caught them in the act! One day I was arriving home and there it was the huge dog with its owner taking a dump on my property. And I recognized the owner; he was a comedian, who I’d seen on TV many times (and really liked). I wont mention his name here, as it seems a little unfair, so lets just call him a code name, hmm how about…. Borat.

It doesn’t matter who you are, if you own a dog and it craps, CLEAN IT UP!


If your pants keep falling down WEAR A BELT!

Is it a consequence of reality TV? Or is it that far too many people are being sent to prison. Whatever the reason there is a really stupid fashion out there, where kids wear baggy pants that fall down to their knees, showing off their underwear. It’s not just idiotic, impractical and unsanitary it’s also annoying.

I understand that the concept came from the fact that when in prison, jail or some other form of police custody, those accused of a crime are separated from any sort of belt or lace so they cannot hang themselves. And somehow this was translated into a fashion statement.

Pull up your pants!

I guess it’s some sort of homage to gang members, as it seems to be worn with over-baggy shirts, as used by gang members to hide the possible possession of a weapon. But here’s the thing, if you are wearing a baggy shirt to hide weapon in a waste band, and are letting their pants fall down to their knees, this means that you’re sticking guns and knives in the waste band of their boxers. Now this strikes be as being really, really silly. Why would you stick a knife inside your boxers? And are they strong enough to hold up the weight of a gun?

I don’t expect criminals to be Mensa members obviously, but it does seem sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy that idiots are likely to get caught and go to prison.

So people who wear baggy pants to emulate people who are in prison, are themselves likely to be in prison.

How about this as an idea. When someone gets arrested and held, make them wear a 3-piece suit and top hat. Create a new counter-culture where people who respect and want to emulate reality TV prisoners and gang members, can dress in pin stripe suits.

Maybe go further and make death row inmates wear morning suits.

Couldn’t hurt…. could it? (27)


How dare people dress their dogs in tutu’s!!!

There is an optimal size for a dog in every scenario. If you’re living on a farm, it makes sense to have a dog large enough to round up sheep. When you live in the arctic circle, you need a dog big enough to pull a sledge and with enough body mass to deal with the extreme cold. And when you live in an apartment or small house it’s appropriate to have a dog small enough to deal with those confined spaces.

But there is inappropriate, and in this category falls what can only be called rat-dog’s. Those dog small enough to comfortably setup home in a Chanel handbag. Now rat-dog’s are still dog’s and as such deserve care and love, but this cannot extend beyond being a canine. They are not a doll or a baby! I’ve seen some horrendously mistreated animal’s that are being force to wear human-esque clothing, including lycra running paraphernalia, along with taffeta, bows and an assortment of colored dresses. This is entirely unacceptable! These are dog’s albeit deformed often hairless rat-dogs. Their lives are hard enough having been bred to be the size of a potato, there is no reason to increase their degradation by inflicting the worst dress sense since the 70’s.

There are some times, such as in the dead of winter when a dog may reasonably be offered additional protection. Since some dogs have so little body mass, it’s reasonable and appropriate to wrap them in something to keep out the cold. And I can see the sense if putting a dog in a waterproof coat to save some of the mess associated with returning home after a wet walk. But dog’s need to have their arses sticking out to do their business, so there is no way even the largest coat will stop 100% of the wet dog syndrome. And even in these weather related cases there is no reason why the dog must be made to look like the stereotype of a 1960’s whore or a pimp.