Why I’m Angry about the mad drivers out there

I think I’ve found the perfect test for low intelligence. Now you might wonder why that is a useful thing to measure, obviously there are lots of written tests you can take to measure your intelligent quotient (IQ), but here’s my cut at a really simple test.

Put the test subject in the driver’s seat of a car, and then have them drive around New York City. When they find themselves behind a car at a junction, and that car in front is stopped due to pedestrians crossing in front, then if your test subject blows their horn, they have confirmed instantly their lack of intelligence. It’s that simple.

And next time you’re driving your car in New York City, and you happen to be in that situation and you blow your horn, please recognize that everyone within the vicinity now knows you have the intelligence of a carrot!

For years I’ve been amazed that yellow NYC taxi’s blow their horns to tell the cars ahead of them that the traffic light will shortly be turning from red to green. I believe now that they do this as a public service.

Luckily all of these taxis are in constant communication via their cellphones in a special taxi language, which I believe is a mix of Hindi, Spanish, Russian and Chinese. It must be very hard to learn as they spend the whole of their shifts practicing it.

But nothing can beat the cyclists in the city. When you cross a street you have to watch all directions, as bikers don’t need to follow any kind of rules. As they ride in full body condoms I suspect they feel justified acting like dicks. Clearly road signs and traffic lights don’t apply if your mode of transport requires you to have the fashion sense of a lobotomized circus clown who performs in a wetsuit.

The exception of course is the takeout food delivery cyclist. Clearly they are on a timeline and I respect their need to deliver Chinese food piping hot. These guys actually amaze me. Last year when the hurricane hit New York City (albeit more of a tap that a hit), and the city closed down it was impossible to get a pizza or a curry, but Chinese was still being delivered as normal.

When the end of the world comes and the human race is all but wiped out, and the roaches own the world, I suspect that Chinese food delivery cyclists will still be out there delivering on time.

In fact if the conspiracy theorists out there (who are buying gold and building up their caches of food and weapons) were to stop and think about it, they just need to move within delivery distance of a good Chinese restaurant and they can be secure in the knowledge that there future is protected.



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